


The Losers Talking About How Hot Ben Hanscom Is For * Minutes Straight

by Rosalee_Kenneth



Series: The Losers Being Dumbasses for * Fics Straight [3]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Beverly Marsh & Richie Tozier Are Best Friends, Bi-Curious Bill Denbrough, Bill Hader Hate, F/M, Famous Beverly Marsh, Famous Bill Denbrough, Famous Richie Tozier, Fluff, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Richie Tozier, Hot Ben Hanscom, Interviews, M/M, Men Comfotable With Their Sexualities, Platonic Flirting, Platonic Kissing, Stan Is Having A Field Day, The Losers Hate Him, You Know I Love That Tag, barely though - Freeform, not me, supportive friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:15:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22927825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosalee_Kenneth/pseuds/Rosalee_Kenneth
Summary: Mike: And we’re back—and more attractive than ever, well Ben is at least.Ben: We’re not going to discuss this.Eddie: Oh, but we are. For those of you who don’t know, Ben over here is nominated for the Sexiest Man Alive Award.
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: The Losers Being Dumbasses for * Fics Straight [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1611139
Comments: 18
Kudos: 272





	The Losers Talking About How Hot Ben Hanscom Is For * Minutes Straight

**The Losers Talking About How Hot Ben Is for * Minutes Straight**

**4.5 M views**

[The Losers Read Thirst Tweets on BuzzFeed Celeb]

 **Ben:** [reading his thirst tweet] Ben Hanscom can get me as dirty as he likes just as long as he washes my clothes against his washboard abs. That’s um…thoughtful.

 **Richie:** Giving your friend a dollar for the vending machine is thoughtful, that’s full on let-me-get-in-your-pants horny.

 **Beverly:** I’m now know what I’m going to say in the bedroom for the next month. Thank you @lorifinloveshanscom.

 **Stan:** Can we please move on.

 **Richie:** Please, like you haven’t imagined Ben’s abs before.

 **Stan:** How could I not imagine that when half the time I see him he’s shirtless?

 **Eddie:** You’re complaining about that?”

***

[Beverly Marsh Answers the Web’s Most Searched Questioned on WIRED]

[Beverly rips the scrap of the board to reveal ‘Beverly Marsh’s Boyfriend’]

 **Beverly:** My boyfriend is Ben Hanscom, his Instagram is @benthebuilder cause he’s an architect which means he’s jacked as fuck. Look on my Insta for the receipts…you won’t be disappointed.

***

[Richie and Beverly on The Ellen Show]

 **Ellen:** So, this picture went viral a couple days ago and I thought you guys could explain.

[The screen behind her shows a picture of Richie and Ben kissing on a kitchen counter with Beverly in the background with her middle finger up]

 **Richie:** Ah yes, the highlight of my entire career.

 **Beverly:** Kissing my boyfriend is the highlight of your career?

 **Richie:** Have you seen him, Bev?

 **Beverly:** Good point.

 **Ellen** : Beverly, why are so calm about this whole thing.

 **Beverly** : We were drunk, and Richie wanted to kiss Ben, so they kissed. Kisses don’t mean anything unless you make it mean something. Me and Rich kiss all the time, Ben’s cool with it. Look watch…

[Beverly grabs Richie’s face and quickly presses their lips together before breaking them apart]

 **Richie** : Your boyfriend is a better kisser.

***

[The Losers Take A Lie Detector Test]

 **Bill** : Stan, do you want to fuck any of us?

 **Stan** : No.

 **Lie** **Detector** **Guy** : He’s lying.

 **Richie** : Do you want to fuck me?

 **Stan** : Ew, no.

 **Lie** **Detector** **Guy** : Truth.

 **Richie** : Your loss, Stanny. I can do a lot of impressive shit with my tongue when asked politely.

 **Eddie** : You do know that I’m right here?

 **Richie** : Don’t be jealous, babe, you know you’re my one and only.

 **Stan** : Can we get back on track before I puke.

 **Richie** : Homophobic.

 **Beverly** : Do you want to fuck me?

 **Stan** : I love you, Bev, but no.

 **Richie** : So, Bev gets an ‘I love you’ but I get an ‘ew’—like I said…homophobic.

 **Beverly** : It’s cause I’m hotter than you.

 **Richie** : Sure, Molly.

 **Eddie** : Do you want to fuck me?

 **Stan** : No, but I would kiss you.

 **Richie** : Back off, Noodle head.

 **Lie** **Detector** **Guy** : He’s telling the truth.

 **Mike** : Is it Bill?

 **Bill** : Oh my god, I was gonna ask him if it was you.

 **Beverly** : Hanbrough is setting sail.

 **Stan** : No, to both of you.

 **Lie** **Detector** **Guy** : He’s telling the truth.

 **Ben** : Fuck, is it me?

 **Stan** : What do you think?

 **Ben** : I feel like you’re telling the truth.

 **Lie Detector Guy:** Truth.

***

[Richie’s Instagram Livestream with Eddie and Stan]

 **Richie** : Someone asked, ‘Who’s your celebrity crush?’.

 **Eddie** : Ben, obviously.

 **Stan** : He’s not even a real celebrity, he’s an architect.

 **Richie** : Well he has the body of one. Channing Tatum could never.

 **Stan** : Do you even know who Channing Tatum is?

 **Richie** : Yeah, he was in Magic Mike. Me and Beverly saw it.

 **Eddie** : [offended] Without me?

 **Richie** : Horndog much, Eds?

 **Eddie** : Last night you told me that if Ben ever wanted to fuck you, you would say yes in a second. And that’s only the PG 13 version of the conversation…

 **Richie** : Offer’s still on the table if you’re listening, Ben.

 **Stan** : Can we get drunk now?

***

[Beverly Marsh on a Vanity Fair interview]

 **Interviewer** : So, how does it feel to date a man who’s nominated for the Sexiest Man Alive award?

 **Beverly** : I don’t even know how he got nominated—he’s an architect for fuck’s sake.

 **Interviewer** : Are you proud of him for being the first non-actor to ever be selected for this award?

 **Beverly** : Well, it just shows that my man is THAT hot so yes.

***

[Mike and Bill on Bill’s podcast ‘Derry: A True Crime Podcast’]

 **Mike** : …and I that’s around the same time Ben was attacked by Henry Bowers.

 **Bill** : Yeah, he carved the letter ‘H’ on his stomach—ya know, like a psychopath.

 **Mike** : I mean you can barely see it anymore.

 **Bill** : It’s because of all the abs Ben has.

 **Mike** : And because of the basic healing process.

 **Bill** : Mainly the abs, though.

 **Mike** : I feel like we’re getting off-topic.

 **Bill** : I mean if the new topic is Ben’s abs then I’m fine with that.

 **Mike** : Dude, this is YOUR podcast. You know that, right?

***

[Eddie, Stan, Ben, and Mike on their podcast ‘Not Famous’]

 **Mike** : And we’re back—and more attractive than ever, well Ben is at least.

 **Ben** : We’re not going to discuss this.

 **Eddie** : Oh, but we are. For those of you who don’t know, Ben over here is nominated for the Sexiest Man Alive Award.

 **Stan** : Which isn’t surprising if you ever saw his face.

 **Ben** : Guys, you can shut up now.

 **Mike** : But it’s not only that, is it Stan?

 **Stan** : Ben is also the first ever non-famous person to ever be nominated for this award.

 **Eddie** : This is a big day for our Not Famous fans. Ben, you are single-handedly striding for non-famous representation everywhere.

 **Ben** : You mean literally everyone else on this planet?

 **Mike** : Exactly.

 **Ben** : You guy are insufferable.

 **Eddie** : The man gets nominated for an award, and now he thinks he’s too good for us.

 **Ben** : I swear to God, I will leave.

 **Stan** : And now he wants to leave Not Famous.

 **Mike** : God, celebrities…

***

 **[** Bev’s Instagram Livestream of her just filming Ben build IKEA furniture shirtless]

 **Bev** : [out of frame] I’m getting some texts from Richie. One of them says ‘you’re a sick human being’. I mean—true. He also said ‘just cause your boyfriend looks like a sexy, ripped Jesus doesn’t mean you can flaunt him like a piece of meat’.

 **Ben** : Did he really call me a sexy version of Jesus?

 **Beverly** : He’s not lying, babe.

 **Ben** : Why can’t our friends keep their homoerotic feelings in their pants like everyone else?

 **Bev** : Richie texted me ‘because this isn’t Derry or the 1930s, homoerotic feelings are what’s fueling this great nation nay this entire friendship’. Bill sent the clapping hands emoji. Oh, so did Mike. And Stan…

 **Ben** : I can never win, can I?

 **Beverly** : Richie said ‘come to my house tonight and you will’ with several suggestive emojis after that. Eddie sent the thumbs down emoji.

***

[Ben on Vanity Fair discussing his Sexiest Man Alive nomination]

 **Interviewer** : So, how does it feel to be the first ever non-celebrity to ever be nominated for this award. Being nominated itself is such an achievement but being nominated as an architect—it’s mind blowing.

 **Ben** : [nervous] Um…yeah. It’s a huge honor and everything. I don’t really know why I was picked for this award, since my competition is like these huge name actors with tons of academy award and shit.

 **Interviewer** : Well, that’s what makes you stand out.

 **Ben** : Sure…

 **Interviewer** : Your friends have been saying for years that you deserve to win this award; do you think that’s true?

 **Ben** : Not really, but I self-deprecate a lot so that factors in.

 **Interviewer** : I don’t know why you would ever self-deprecate, have you looked in the mirror?

 **Ben** : Are you always this forward?

 **Interviewer** : It’s my job.

 **Ben** : Well, you’re killing it.

***

[Bill and Richie Answer the Web’s Most Searched Question on WIRED]

[Bill pulls scrap off the board to reveal ‘Is Bill Denbrough dating Ben Hanscom]

 **Richie** : [laughing] Yes, oh my god yes, he absolutely is.

 **Ben** : [smirking] Um…no…I’m not, but I wouldn’t mind dating him.

 **Richie** : Those abs…

 **Bill** : That back…

 **Richie** : I just want him to take those biceps and lift me up like the delicate flower I am.

 **Bill** : That’ a bit much, but um…yeah, Ben, when you’re on the market again, call me.

 **Richie** : Bev’s gonna kill you in your sleep, you know that right?

 **Bill** : The price I’m willing to pay to get with my golden boy, Benny Boy Handsome.

[Bill blows an air kiss while Richie cracks up beside him]

***

Beverly’s Instagram Livestream with Ben, Stan, Eddie, Mike, Richie, and Bill]

 **Beverly** : Can you BELIEVE that Ben didn’t win the Sexiest Man Alive Award?

 **Ben** : It’s not that big of a deal.

 **Richie** : Are you kidding? You were cheated out of your God-given right to possess that award.

 **Stan** : And to Bill Hader of all people.

[The Losers all make disgusted noises and faces]

 **Eddie** : I mean, really? What do people find attractive in that guy? He’s literally looks like a dad who brings his own beer to family restaurants.

 **Richie** : I know right? For fuck’s sake, he’s the definition of a middle-aged white man.

 **Beverly** : They really decided to choose receding hairline instead of this Hercules right here? God, what is wrong with people’s eyes now and days.

 **Mike** : And don’t get me started on his ankles. Does Bill not know that there are socks that cover them up?

 **Bill** : Guys, stop. I’m gonna puke.

 **Stan** : It’s like the minute Bill stopped wearing the same blue checkered shirt in every interview, all the teenage girls with daddy issues lost their shit.

 **Ben** : I mean I never cared about this whole award thing anyway, but really…Bill Hader? I thought that Chris Hemsworth was a shoo-in for sure.

 **Eddie** : I physically can’t imagine what blind motherfuckers voted for Bill instead of Ben or Chris.

 **Mike** : Probably the same ones who made him win all his Men of Style awards or whatever.

 **Richie** : He’s not even doing that shit himself—it’s just his stylist who’s probably on painkillers half the time trying to convince Bill that flannel is not formal attire.

 **Beverly** : Guys, we should do a toast.

[Bev raised her glass of vodka and the rest of the Losers follow her lead]

 **Beverly** : Fuck Bill Hader!

 **The** **rest** **of** **the** **Losers** : Fuck Bill Hader!

[They all drain their glasses in swift gulps]

 **Ben** : I feel better.

 **Bill** : I still kinda wanna puke.

 **Richie** : I’m reading these comments and a lot of people are mad at us for insulting Bill.

 **Beverly** : Are we cancelled?

 **Richie** : Maybe…although Hollywood would fucking live off of this rivalry.

 **Mike** : The Losers vs. Bill Hader.

 **Beverly** : Yeah, Bill’s gonna rot.

**Thanks for Watching**

**Comments:**

**Love It or Hade It:** The Losers insulting Bill Hader Is upon some of the best content I’ve ever seen

_3.4k likes_

**Cry About It Later:** ok but The Losers vs. Bill Hader is a rivalry I never knew I needed until now

_1.9k likes_

**Evelyn Jonas:** I love how Ben gets all flustered when he’s complimented. He’s so baby.

_458 likes_

**Candice Is Not Ok:** I felt really called out when Stan said that only teen girls with daddy issues like Bill Hader.

_4.7k likes_

**you made it weird:** Is Bill bi or just really comfortable in his sexuality?

_303 likes_

**Make Friends/Break Friends:** Richie insulting Bill Hader even though they’re the exact same person.

5.1k likes

**Author's Note:**

> I just really love the idea of the Losers hating Bill Hader. Be on the prowl for a The Losers Hading Bill Hader for * Minutes Straight fic.


End file.
